A Pivot in my approach to Sickness and Suffering

October 23, 2024

I have been fighting cancer for over ten years. In that time, I have had 21 surgeries.  But beginning last May 2024, my fight intensified against bladder cancer and cheek/sinus cancer that is pervasive throughout my right cheek and cheekbones. Regarding the latter, surgery was no longer an option and radiation was most likely my last chance.  It is a terminal form of cancer.  

Up until around August 20, I had been fervently praying that God would save my life because I still have the ability to meet my family’s needs, and I didn’t want to leave with those needs still burdening them.  And I prayed that I would not suffer in the process ahead of me.  But something happened to me around August 20 that changed my perspective.  Here’s what happened. One night while I was praying in bed, it dawned on me that the primary and most important value in my life was getting well and avoiding more suffering. That was my preoccupation and stood in the background of all the thoughts and feeling I would have throughout the day.

Then something from Dallas' book entered my mind (see The Scandal of the Kingdom: How the Parables of Jesus Revolutionize Life with God).  As Jesus’ parables make clear, the thing that pleases God most is for us to be preoccupied with - and to value most - becoming a disciple of Jesus and learning to live according to His Kingdom’s perspectives and values.  Internalizing these two presuppose and further enhance a way of seeing life that centers on loving God and giving my life away to others for His Kingdom, all the while knowing that this perspective would bring hardship and so forth.  I had always wanted these values to define me, but I had lost that perspective and replaced it with the core values of getting well and not suffering.

Now let me be clear. It is commonsense and perfectly good to want to get well from sickness and to avoid suffering. These are values I still embrace. But they are not to be my preoccupation, my defining life-principles, what my life is about. That night and since then, I have done different things to live out and grow in this discipleship/Kingdom perspective. This pivot has made all the difference in my attitude towards being sick, facing death, and suffering.

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